Persuasive Research Essay

Divorce…Is it the Only Option?

Slam. A whooshing of a door hits the frame of the doorway and vibrates through the whole house. Once again Mom and Dad are fighting about another issue. There is contention in the air and it ripples through each member of the family. Two children huddle close together on the top bunk bed with blankets all around and tears streaming down their faces. The thrilling shrieks lurch from Mom’s mouth as she endures another blow to her body. She drops to the floor and with the little energy she has left makes her way to her feet. She opens the door and projects her body down the stairs and into the children's room. The children are told to hurry and get into the car. Without further adieu the children sprint out the door and leap into the car. Within seconds they speed out the driveway. One of the children turns to look back and there standing in the doorway is Dad. His eyes wreaked with the emotions of rage and fear. Almost longing to be in the passenger seat of that 1996 Honda accord. Scenarios such as this one can be classified as physical abuse and highly factor into the decision to carry out a divorce.  

 Divorce is rather prevalent and accepted among the majority of our society today. Go back about one hundred years and it was frowned upon to say the least. Some individuals would become shunned or even disowned from their own flesh and blood. It is a topic that is taken so lightly. An everyday thought that is so accepted. Something to almost look forward to. An idea that racks the minds of thousands if they are not satisfied with their marriage. A back up plan.

Individuals interested in a divorce should seek out alternative options when struggling in a marriage rather than turning to a divorce because the individuals in the relationship may not always factor in all of the consequences. Divorce is not always the solution to every problem in a marriage. For example, the ideas of couple’s therapy, separation for a period of time, or changing your mindset can honestly allow the mind to think out the full perspective of the situation.

 The topic of divorce incorporates the idea of family because we no longer live in a world with the classic mother and father, two children, and a dog in a suburban house. In fact, this idea of what the ideal family is, is so far-fetched from the minds of society that it is no longer realistic. Divorce is on the incline and it is not only impacting those getting the divorce, but also the future generations that they are raising. Doctor Michelle Moon who is the Assistant Professor of Psychology at California State University conducted a study on divorce titled The Effects of Divorce on Children: Married and Divorced Parents’ Perspectives. This study discussed the impact that marriage and divorce has on future generations. She said, “The findings support the hypothesis that the self-interests and personal experiences associated with marital status influence perceptions of the effects of divorce on children. Regardless of gender, a parents’ marital or divorce history will influence their ratings of the impact of divorce on children” (Moon). This knowledge that Dr. Moon expresses in the article further points out how divorce is a decision that should be thoroughly thought through because not only will the choice affect the members of the family, but it can also cause future divorces to occur for the children.

When taking into the perspective of a child and the effects that a divorce can have on them a man by the name of Dallin H. Oaks who was a former professor of law at the University of Chicago Law School and former justice in the Utah Supreme Court discusses this matter. Oaks says,

“The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce-especially where there are children-generates new conflicts.

Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in children. We know that children raised in a single-parent home after divorce have a much higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, poor school performance, and various kinds of victimization” (Oaks 2012).

This enlightening account of information expresses the effects of divorce and how individuals considering divorce who may or may not have children should factor in the ideas that divorce is hard. Divorce not only affects the mental and physical aspects of the spouses, but if there are children the choice can also determine their upbringing and knowing what is wrong and right Overall Oaks’ words further support the idea that a divorce may not be the right option for certain couples because of the recovery time as well as the long-term impacts on other individuals.

 As the rate of divorce continues to increase so does the rate of single parents trying to raise their children and support them while laboring in a full time job. Kevin Myers a man from Portland, Oregon wrote a This i Believe essay title The Necessity of Compassion that addresses the trials he faced as a boy. At the age of six his parents divorced because of the abusive relationship that his mother and siblings endured by his father. His mother was rebuked by the Catholic Church which she attended due to her decision to have a divorce. Whereas his father was shown mercy through his social connections in the church and a cheek was turned when it came to the decisions that he had made. After the divorce Meyers goes onto explain that his mother couldn't find work so they had to go down to the welfare office. On one occasion they were standing on the street corner waiting for the office to open when a truck drove by ignorantly shouting “get a job!” This comment filled Meyers with rage, but due to his beloved mother’s example he turned the other cheek. Through all the challenges Myers faced as a child he does reflect on the example of his mother and says, “When I look back at that time, I marvel at how my mother got us through an energy crisis, a recession, and resisted the pressure to stay in a harmful marriage. Her determination was manifest in her working long hours, weekends, and holidays, but the benefit of her compassion is far more subtle” (Meyers). This story demonstrates the hard times that Meyers and his family had to endure through due to the actions of a divorce. Although the relationship was abusive and the divorce was justifiable the heartache and pain that occurs after the fact is still prevalent. Just as Meyers felt the impact of a single parent home countless others do and this number is on the rise. Previous Professor of the University of Chicago Law School, Dallin H. Oaks, continues on the idea of children and role of divorce has played in their lives.

“A Harvard law professor describes the current law and attitude toward marriage and divorce: ‘The [current] American story about marriage, as told in the law and in much popular literature, goes something like this: marriage is a relationship that exists primarily for the fulfillment of the individual spouses. If it ceases to perform this function, no one is to blame and either spouse may terminate it at will. … Children hardly appear in the story; at most they are rather shadowy characters in the background’” (Oaks 2007).

The words which Oaks proclaims about the ideals within a marriage and how the mindset has completely altered is astonishing to say the least, but is rather correct. Children are not always put as the priority in relationships. In fact, more often the child is the victim that endures whatever may come. Overall divorce not only affects the spouses and it is tragic to see that divorce continues to occur.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention lists the national rates in the United States for marriages and divorces. In 2000 accounting for a total of 44 states out of a population of 233,550,143 about 944,000 people had a divorce or an annulment (CDC). This spiking number continues to increase and affects not only the data, but the individual people carrying out these actions. To further decrease these rates there needs to be some enlightening on the matter of alternative options rather than settling with divorce as the only option.

The decision of divorce is a continuous battle that under the correct circumstance should be made. For example, when the relationship becomes abusive and causes harm not only to the other spouse, but also to the children. When a spouse has an addiction, commits a crime, or cheats in a manner that severely impacts or causes harm the other spouse in a negative manner. Another interesting point would also be if a spouse in the relationship had a mental disorder that harmed others in the relationship. I interviewed a woman by the name of Bonnie Brown who experienced a marriage quite like this one. She spoke saying, “I didn’t realize the man I had married.” Brown had been previously married before, but her belated husband passed away in a fatal plane accident. Brown continued to say that she got back out into the dating world and met a man she thought was the one. However, when they did get married she said that he had changed and became very manipulating and spoke harshly not only to her, but also to her eight year old son. She later came to find out that this man she thought she knew suffered from various mental disorders that caused him to be abusive. Brown further explained that this man she had married could have prevented this through medication, but would no longer take them. So two months after they were married she divorced the man for not only the safety of her child, but also for herself (Brown). This further explains the idea that in some situations divorce should be encouraged, but those individuals that are just “tired” of their companion should rethink their options.

When it comes to alternative ways to stay with a spouse a TED talk performed in November of 2011 known as What You Don’t Know About Marriage by Jenna McCarthy focused on the benefits of marriage and how to stay in a blissful state. McCarthy is the author of “The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs,” “Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad,” as well as various other books. So in other words McCarthy has had a long career writing about relationships, marriage, and parenting. McCarthy explained that when an individual in the relationship continually focuses on the negative then of course that attraction to the other person will diminish. For example, she expanded on the idea of weight by saying how sometimes we notice that our spouse might be gaining more weight and we tend to knit pick at the idea instead of considering the fact that he or she is making you look thinner and leaner. In other words focus on the positive in situations. Her ideas also included finding hobbies that both of the spouses enjoyed and do them together. If these helpful tools aren't helping she later elaborated on the importance of couples’ therapy. It is important to discuss the emotions that come into each member of the relationships mind because if there is a lack of communication that is when everything turns upside down. Although many of the methods that McCarthy recommended were rather out there she definitely confided mostly in therapy because the rates of marriages that are struggling that take therapy sessions are more likely to stick through the hard times (McCarthy). Overall the words of McCarthy really spoke strongly on the connection between the people in the relationship and how if that connection is dwindling then action needs to be taken in a manner of doing more activities together as a couple, seeking out counseling, complimenting or staying more positive, and most important there must be effort from both sides otherwise there truly will be no progress.

A woman by the name of Shauna Soria spoke concerning her experiences with her divorce and the therapy she took. Shauna was married for approximately five years when one evening she received a phone call on her land line from a woman wanting to speak to her husband. This call mind you was around eleven forty-five at night which caused her a little concern. She handed the phone to her husband and then listened on the other line. Shauna soon found out that her husband had been cheating on her. When the phone finally clicked off the line she had no hesitation in confronting her husband. Fear spilled across his face in utter disbelief that she had just heard the conversation. This event marked their first step into realizing that there was a need for some counseling. However when they first started their sessions Shauna explained that her husband had no desire to put forth any effort. By the time she was at her wits end which was about a year after they had started their sessions Shauna’s husband told her that he no longer loved her and didn’t want to be with her. This heart wrenching discussion caused great contention in her heart. But after great pondering Shauna came to realize that marriage is a two way street. One person cannot make a marriage work there has to be equal effort being displayed by both sides (Soria). This example further demonstrates the idea that even though Shauna ended up getting a divorce she sought out other options before coming to her final decision.

Divorce is a choice that is often taken for granted on a daily basis. Thousands upon thousands of people make the decision to become legally separated from the person they promised to be with forever. It is a matter that not only affects spouses, but also other family members including children which can lead them down to pathways that their parents will regret. Overall those thinking or considering a divorce should first consider the pros and cons of the situation. From the list of pros and cons take actions including change your mind set to one of a more positive outlook, go on more dates and figure out what you like to do together as a couple, or couples’ therapy. These alternative ways may not fully fix the issues at hand, but consider different methods before seeking out divorce because divorce may not be the solution to the problem in your marriage.

                                                         Works Cited

Brown, Bonnie M. Personal interview. 31 Mar. 2014.

McCarthy, Jenna. "What You Don't Know About Marriage." TED Talks. San Francisco. Nov. 2011. Address.

Moon, Michelle. "The Effects of Divorce on Children: Married and Divorced Parents' Perspectives." Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 52.5 (2011): 344-49. Print.

Myers, Kevin. "The Necessity of Compassion." This i Believe (2013). Print.

"National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. CDC/ National Center for Health Statistics, 19 Feb. 2013. Web. 3 Apr. 2014.

Oaks, Dallin H. "Protect the Children." The Ensign (2012). Print.

Oaks, Dallin H. "Divorce." The Ensign (2007). Print.

Soria, Shauna M. Personal interview. 31 Mar. 2014.